The Ending: Burnout. Retired. Closed private practice. Deactivated license and certifications (2022). Now what? My vision for retirement was to travel, go on adventures, read, cultivate mind-body health, enjoy my kids and grandkids and make minimal commitments. And I have been doing that. I crochet, go for walks and continue to meet my responsibilities as a caregiver. I read a lot to pass time and escape. I enjoy several projects: (1) Leading a Class in Qi Gong/Tai Chi and further training. 2) Writing and implementing grant proposals to Abundant Health. And I participate in community activities and events.
After retirement, I found myself in the Middle Zone, and there remains a constant nagging of deep-seated sorrow. The days are filled. I am active, with many days that are very demanding, meeting responsibilities. Still, feelings of sadness and loneliness have persisted. Where was the emotional experience coming from?
The “soul search” process began to intensify. I am a dedicated learner, so I pulled books from my shelves, and when other books came to my attention, I read and listened. I recognized I was engulfed in a grieving process. I began identifying the various areas of grief: 1) Loss of “big” career dreams / failure. 2) Loss of in-depth connections with others. 3) Loss of definition of who I am. 4) Loss of a “plan” for the next 50 years of my life (I turned 70 as I retired, always looking at my life to a ripe age of 120). 5) Disappointment in my balancing of stress/hassle and the joy of adventure in traveling. 6) The dynamics in the world – politics, war, ecosystem, etc. 7) And other little and big things that were my life experiences to date.
I had questions and I searched for answers: Who am I? What is my purpose? What is my service? What is my joy, delight, awe? What now?
I began to look further at grief. I acknowledged I was grieving. I have done counseling and workshops on grief as the result of loss of function, changes in roles, changes in self-definition and disability adjustment. My immersion in this exploration led to current and more in-depth resources on grief; the different approaches to grieving; perspectives on the many facets of grief; the degree of potential misdiagnosis of depression; the lack of process and means to voice grief. This led to my increased clarity in my personal process.
The next unfolding of this in-between time is my self-definition, purpose and life fulfillment. What excites me from the inside out? What makes me feel alive in my own skin? It is not a new search for me. This has been a search throughout my lifetime. Yes, many times, the search has been impacted by responsibilities of adulthood and family, defined by society norms, and personal perspective of obligated expectations.
I am reflecting on what part of the various experiences rings true to my inner guidance? What expectations (mine, parents, society) need to be let go? Discovery begins with noticing different books, community activities, and opportunities arising. I am paying attention and leaning into these paths of discovery.
Do I have my answers? Not completely, that is why life is a journey and not a destination. Yes, I feel the constricting bands around my chest loosening. I am putting next steps together to further explore and take action. I am 2 ½ years into the in-between process knowing the transition is moving forward.
This article is one of the opportunities I said yes to.
How has the transformative practice of ITP played a role in navigating my life’s transition? George Leonard’s book, Mastery points out that “plateaus are a necessary part of the journey.” (These are similar to the Middle Zone.)
In 2016, I read, The Life We Are Given, by George Leonard and Michael Murphy and began the ITP Kata practice. The ITP Kata practice assists me with engaging in my life focus of well-being and assisting others in living a life with well-being.
My current Middle Zone is a transition about how I will immerse myself in supporting myself and others in the journey of well-being. I am a pebble skipping across the water’s surface instigating a ripple effect in well-being.